بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
The Women’s Section in the Central Media Office of Hizb ut Tahrir, International Women’s Conference, “The Family: Challenges & Islamic Solutions”
TALK 9
THE BLESSED LAND - PALESTINE
Marital Life in Islam
(Translated)
All praise is due to The Lord of both worlds, Who (swt) says in His Perfect Revelation:
﴿رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا﴾
“And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous."” [Al-Furqan: 74]. Best of prayers and salutations to His Honorable Rasuul (saw) who said: «لَوْ كُنْتُ آمِرًا أَحَدًا أَنْ يَسْجُدَ لِغَيْرِ اللَّهِ، لَأَمَرْتُ الْمَرْأَةَ أَنْ تَسْجُدَ لِزَوْجِهَا»“If I would have ordered anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allah, I would have ordered the wife to prostrate to her husband.” Also, he (saw) said: «مَنْ سقى امرأتَهُ الماءَ أُجِرَ»“Whoever gave his wife a drink of water will be rewarded.”
All praise is due to Allah Who favored for us this blessed gathering in this blessed country and people so that we talk about an important cause which has a great effect on the Muslim community, which is the familial lifestyle, the marital life, and the importance of building them on the basis of Islam.
Glorified be He, Who (swt) created mankind into men and woman with one nature, as they do not differ in humanity, as Allah created in each of them an active vitality which complements one another in order to maintain the human race, only through marriage which Islam prescribed. The verses of the Holy Quran came strongly on the marital side, meaning that they came to fulfill the objective which they revealed for in order to maintain the humankind. Allah (swt) organized the relationship between man and woman under the frame of marriage, and He (swt) made it a repose, affection, and mercy between the spouses. Allah (swt) says:
﴿وَمِنْ آَيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآَيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ﴾
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” [Ar-Rum: 21]. Islam has labeled the marital contract, upon which the family is established, a solemn covenant, and the covenant is the commitment which is given by both spouses. It has also been described as “solemn” due to its power and greatness, as the Holy Quran spoke about contracts in general as Allah (swt) says: ﴾﴿يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا أَوْفُوا بِالْعُقُودِ“O you who have believed, fulfill [all] contracts.” [Al-Ma’ida: 1], but when it spoke about the marital contract, Allah (swt) describes it by saying:﴾مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا ﴿a solemn covenant” [An-Nisa: 21].
Allah (swt) says:
﴿وَإِنْ أَرَدتُّمُ اسْتِبْدَالَ زَوْجٍ مَّكَانَ زَوْجٍ وَآتَيْتُمْ إِحْدَاهُنَّ قِنطَارًا فَلَا تَأْخُذُوا مِنْهُ شَيْئًا أَتَأْخُذُونَهُ بُهْتَانًا وَإِثْمًا مُّبِينًا * وَكَيْفَ تَأْخُذُونَهُ وَقَدْ أَفْضَىٰ بَعْضُكُمْ إِلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا﴾
“But if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of them a great amount [in gifts], do not take [back] from it anything. Would you take it in injustice and manifest sin?” [An-Nisa: 20]; thus, the solemn covenant is the one between the man and a woman, and it is incumbent to perfectly confirm the importance of maintaining it and fulfilling it.
In order for the marital life to continue in a stable, tranquil, safe, and loving manner, each of the spouses must be aware of the responsibilities they must fulfill, and to know their rights in order to not transgress them or request for more than what is allowed. The pure Prophetic Sunnah has pointed to the rights of the spouses in many honorable Prophetic Hadiths, such as the one reported by Ibn Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, he said: “A woman came to the Rasuul (saw) and told him: “O Prophet of Allah! What is the right of husband on his wife?” He (saw) replied: «أَنْ لَا تَمْنَعَ نَفْسَهَا مِنْهُ وَلَوْ عَلَى قَتَبٍ، فَإِذَا فَعَلَتْ كَانَ عَلَيْهَا إِثْمٌ»“Do not refuse to give herself to him (in intimacy) even if you are on a saddle, because if she did, she would have earned a sin.” Then she asked: “What is the right of the husband on his wife?” He (saw) said: «أَنْ لَا تُعْطِيَ شَيْئًا مِنْ بَيْتِهِ إِلَّا بِإِذْنِهِ»“She should not give anything away from his home except with his permission.”
Marriage is the foundation of forming a Muslim family, and hence the Muslim society. That is why Islam took really good care of this blessed building, so it urged the man to choose a good wife as mentioned in the honorable Hadith:
«أَرْبَعٌ مِنَ السَّعَادَةِ: مِنْ ضِمْنِهَا الْمَرْأَةُ الصَّالِحَةُ»
“Four (women) lead to happiness: (including) the good woman”, and he (saw) said:
«الدُّنْيَا كُلُّهَا مَتَاعٌ، وَخَيْرُ مَتَاعِ الدُّنْيَا الْمَرْأَةُ الصَّالِحَةُ»
“This world is all temporary conveniences, and the best temporary convenience of this world is a righteous woman.”
Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, said: the Rasuul (saw) said: «تُنْكَحُ الْمَرْأَةُ لِأَرْبَعٍ لِمَالِهَا وَلِحَسَبِهَا وَلِجَمَالِهَا وَلِدِينِهَا فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ»“A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.” Also, he (saw) said about choosing the wife: «خَيْرُ النِّسَاءِ الَّتِي تَسُرُّهُ إِذَا نَظَرَ، وَتُطِيعُهُ إِذَا أَمَرَ، وَلَا تُخَالِفُهُ فِي نَفْسِهَا وَلَا مَالِهَا بِمَا يَكْرَهُ»“The best of women is the one who makes him happy when he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself nor her wealth.” (Narrated by Ahmad).
So, the best of women is the one who makes her husband happy with her beautiful appearance if he looks at her, obeys him when he commands her with something that’s not prohibited, does not go against his wishes with regard to herself nor her wealth in something that he hates, and is the friendly person who showers her husband with friendliness and love. She is the one that the Rasuul (saw) talked about: «أَلاَ أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِنِسَائِكُمْ مِنْ أَهْلِ الْجَنَّةِ؟ الْوَدُودُ الوَلُودُ العَؤُودُ، الَّتِي إِذَا ظُلِمَتْ قَالَتْ: هَذِهِ يَدِي فِي يَدِكَ، لَا أَذُوقُ غَمْضًا حَتَّى تَرْضَى»“Shall I not tell you about your women in Jannah? The friendly, the fertile, and the fair-minded, who is the one if she was oppressed she would say: these are my hands in your hands, I will not take any rest until you are pleased.” (Narrated by Ad-Darqatni).
This believing good woman is committed to what was revealed in the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Rasuul (saw), as she knows her responsibilities and her commitments to these responsibilities in order to achieve the pleasure of her Lord and a Jannah as big as the heavens and the earth. Her family must be built on the foundations of love, loyalty, and happiness, so that if a Western wind blew on this relationship, she knows how to confront it, stand before it, and not be affected by it. The West will not stop, will not get relent, and will not slowdown in its mission to break the foundations of this relationship and weaken the Muslim family, and hence dismantle the Muslim community. However, let them try their best to get this relationship that is strengthened with the rules and Sharia of Allah (swt).
The marital life is not based on collaboration and benefits as how the West perceives it; it is rather based on the foundation of companionship. This means that they accompany one another fully in all aspects of life where they provide peace of mind for one another. Allah (swt) says:﴾ وَجَعَلَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا لِيَسْكُنَ إِلَيْهَا﴿“and [He] created from it its mate that he might dwell in security with her” [Al-A’raf: 189], and “security” refers to peace of mind, and this is the intention behind marriage, so that this companionship becomes a company of bliss, happiness, security, and peace of mind. The Sharia made it clear, as we have previously mentioned, that there are rights pertaining to the wife and that to the husband. The rights pertaining to the husband over the wife are what Allah (swt) says:﴾ وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ﴿ “And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.” [Al-Baqara: 228], so Allah (swt) ordered men to treat women nicely since it is calmer for the soul and blissful for life. He should not frown in her face, he should be kind in his speech and never rude or harsh to her, and he should support her in sustenance and seek her comfort.
Amongst her rights is also spending on her, so it is not rightful for the man to spend on himself for food and clothing while excluding her. He rather must spend on her as much as he spends on himself and within his limits, as Allah (swt) says: ﴿لِيُنفِقْ ذُو سَعَةٍ مِّن سَعَتِهِ﴾“Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth” [At-Talaq: 7]. Hakim ibn Mou’awiyah Al-Qishri reported from his father who said: I said: “O Rasuul Allah! What are the rights of the wife upon us?” He (saw) said: «أَنْ تُطْعِمَهَا إِذَا طَعِمْتَ، وَتَكْسُوَهَا إِذَا اكْتَسَيْتَ، أَوْ اكْتَسَبْتَ، وَلَا تَضْرِبْ الْوَجْهَ، وَلَا تُقَبِّحْ، وَلَا تَهْجُرْ إِلَّا فِي الْبَيْتِ»“To feed her if you eat, to clothe her if you clothe yourself, and do not hit her on the face, do not be offensive, and do not abandon her except at home.” (Narrated by Abu Daoud). Therefore, the woman does not have to work in order to spend on herself; it is rather compulsory upon the husband to fulfill her needs such as food substances, clothing, and housing. These are just a few examples and not an exhausted list.
Our honorable Rasuul (saw) advised us to take care of the woman when he (saw) said in his Farewell Sermon: «اتَّقُوا اللهَ فِي النِّسَاءِ»“Fear Allah in treating your women”, and he (saw) said: «خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ، وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي»“The best of you is the one who is good with his family, and I am the best of you with my family.” He (saw) was the best in treating his family as he (saw) used to play with his family members, be friendly with them, make his wives laugh, and race with his wife Aisha, the Mother of Believers, and came closer to her through that. Also, he (saw) and even the Companions (ra) used to help their wives around the house, and they never regarded that as a shortcoming or weakness.
The woman by her nature loves to be pampered especially from the husband. The beloved Prophet (saw) loved doing this and took that into consideration in his treatment of his wives, as he (saw) used to pamper Sitna Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, and tell her: «يَا عَائِشَ، يَا عَائِشَ هَذَا جِبْرِيلُ يُقْرِئُكِ السَّلَامَ»“O A’ish! O A’ish, this is Gibreel sending His salutations to you!” He (saw) also used to tell her: «يَا حُمَيْرَاءُ»“O Humayra’a”, which is the lesser form of “red” referring to the white woman who has red cheeks.
The husband ought to also make amends with his wife if she is sad, and we have our honorable Rasuul (saw) as the best example when Sitna Safiyah was travelling with the Rasuul (saw) on a journey, and it was her day, so she started going slowly, then the Rasuul (saw) welcomed her while she was crying and told him (saw): You placed me on a slow mule. So, the Rasuul (saw) took his hands to wipe her eyes and tears and console her.
The Rasuul (saw) never forgot to pass humor with his wives and entertain them, as Sitna Aisha said that when they asked her how was he (saw) with them, she said: «كَانَ يَدْخُلُ بَسَّاماً ضَحَّاكاً»“He used to enter with a laughing smile on his face.” Husbands ought to follow the footsteps of the Rasuul (saw) in marital life. One of the things that is needed for the marital life is to flirt with the wife, as Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, used to flirt with Fatima. It was reported that Ali ibn Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him, one day entered into his wife Fatima’s room, the daughter of the Rauul (saw), and saw her using the A’rak Miswak, so he wanted to flirt with her and recited these poetic lines (on these lines):
You have won, O A’rak, with her mouth
O A’rak branch did you not fear that I’ll see you
If you were amongst those who fight, I would have fought you
O Miswak, no one before you has survived me
Islam gave the man authority in order to lead this marital ship; an authority for caring and not an authority for dictatorship, and this is out of love for her and not an insult or injustice towards her. The Muslim wife carries around the housework because she is the responsible guardian for that, for she is not a maid just like how the West portrays her!! She is the guardian who manages the home life with love and harmony, lives under the care of her husband as a pampered queen where her husband supports her by fulfilling her needs without necessitating her to work in order to fulfill them, and supervises her house chores and the care requirements of her husband and children and raising them with maximum love and longing.
Islam obligated upon the woman certain obligations, such as obeying the husband as long as it is not in sin, maintaining his honor and money, denying entry to the house any person whom he dislikes, and seeking permission from him to leave the house. The Rasuul (saw) said: «مَا اسْتَفَادَ امْرُؤٌ مُسْلِمٌ فَائِدَةً بَعْدَ الإِسْلَامِ أَفْضَلَ مِنْ زَوْجَةٍ مُسْلِمَةٍ تَسُرُّهُ إِذَا نَظَرَ إِلَيْهَا، وَتُطِيعُهُ إِذَا أَمَرَهَا، وَتَحْفَظُهُ إِذَا غَابَ عَنْهَا فِي نَفْسِهَا وَمَالِهِ»“Nothing is of more benefit to the believer after Taqwa of Allah than a righteous wife whom, if he commands her she obeys him, if he looks at her he is pleased, if he swears an oath concerning her she fulfills it, and when he is away from her she is sincere towards him with regard to herself and his wealth.” We are all aware that the woman obeyed her husband in the time of Prophethood, where the Rasuul (saw) said about her: «إِنَّ اللهَ قَدْ غَفَرَ لَهَا بِطَاعَةِ زَوْجِهَا، فَطُوبَى لَهَا ثُمَّ طُوبَى»“Allah has forgiven her since she obeyed her husband, so blessedness for her and even more blessedness”, and congrats to her and every wife who strived upon her path. The good obedience of the woman to her husband is equal to the reward of Jihad, Juma’a, Jama’a, and you should know that this reward is magnificent. This is the relationship between the spouses, and this is the marital life in Islam. It is not like what the West portrays like a battle ground where there is a victor and the defeated, by which they aim the family breakdown which they have widespread amongst themselves.
In case anything occurs which troubles the tranquility of this relationship, the family members must bring the spouses in order to resolve the problems and try to restore happiness and calmness into their lives rather than taking a stance which further increases the chasm, distance, and abandonment. Most of the problems between the spouses, which are left unresolved with wisdom and calm, lead to the destruction of this marital life, not due to anything except leaving the Sharia laws and replacing them with individualism and taking pride in sins which serve as an obstacle to attempts of reconciliation. Islam maintained the familial cohesiveness, rejected the family breakdown, and resolved conflicts in the best of manners with a divine approach rather than an individualistic and capitalist approach. Its Sharia laws maintained the relationship between the man and the woman and even between the father and the children, and it worked on not losing or mixing the genealogy, thus, having punishments for every offender and outlaw beyond this allowed relationship.
Let us listen to these precious words addressed by a mother to her daughter with care and advice so that she maintains her marriage:
“… Do not dare to grieve if it was a joyous occasion or to be joyous when it is a somber occasion, as the first case is slackness and the second case is offensive. So, be his main admirer and he will be your main honor, be his biggest supporter and he will be your biggest comrade. Know that you will never achieve what you like until you prioritize his pleasure over yours, and what he desires over what you desire in what you love and hate, and Allah will grant you as his choice.” The relationship between the wife and the husband is based on the pleasure of Allah (swt) and it is the solid foundation which protects and maintains this family. So if they strive for it, Allah (swt) will grant them success with each other, gather them in goodness, and make between them amity and mercy.
O Esteemed Believing Muslim Sisters:
Let us listen to this story which is a unique example for building a clean Muslim community, the story of Shareeh Al-Qadi with his wife Zaynab: the obedient, resilient, esteemed believer, on her wedding night, and how happiness between them sustained for 20 years supported with love and harmony, and throbbed with trust, understanding, and belief.
Shareeh Al-Qadi met his friend Al-Fadeel, so he asked Shareeh about how he’s doing at home, he asked: “O Shareeh, how are you doing at home?”
Shareeh Al-Qadi said: “For 20 years I have never found anything that troubled my peace of mind.”
Al-Fadeel asked: “How come O Shareeh?”
He replied: “I got engaged to a good woman, and on our wedding night I found in her righteousness and perfection, righteousness in her Deen and perfection in her character. So I thanked Allah and prayed two rak’a for blessing me with a good wife. When I finished praying, I found my wife praying alongside, offering salutations, and thanking with me. When the family and loved ones left the house, I came closer to her and she said: “Just a moment, O Abu Ummayyah”, then she got up and gave a speech:
“To proceed: O Abu Ummayyah, I am a strange woman, I do not know what I love or what I hate. So you tell me what you love so that I bring it, and what you hate so that I avoid it… O Abu Ummayyah: There were other women amongst your people who are befitting you, and there were men amongst my people who were befitting me, but I became your wife based on the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of His Prophet (saw). So, fear Allah in me and follow what He (swt) says: ﴾فإمساكٌ بمعروفٍ أو تسريحٌ بإحسان﴿“Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment.” [Al-Baqara: 229]… “then she sat down.”
He said: “She motivated me to give a speech, so I stood up and said: To proceed, you have spoken some words which if you were honest in them and hold on to them, they will be your endowment and reward, but if you abandoned them they will be evidence against you. I love this and that, and I hate this and that. Whenever you find goodness say it aloud, and whenever you found a fault then hide it. The believing woman maintains her husband and does not expose him.”
So she asked: “How often do we visit your family and mine?”
He said: “We shall visit them from time to time in intervals with some absence so that they do not get bored of us.”
She asked: “Who amongst the neighbors do you allow me to enter your home and whom amongst them do you hate?”
He said: “These people are good… those others are not”
A year passed, and one day I came back home and found my wife’s mother at our place, so I welcomed her in the best of ways and she knew that her daughter is in the best of states.
She asked: “O Abu Ummayyah, how do you find your wife?”
I replied: “By Allah, she is the best of wives.”
She said: “O Abu Ummayyah… all evil will become on a man who overly exceeds the pampering of his wife, so discipline and correct her as you please until she is disciplined”, then she turned to her daughter and admonished her to listen and obey well.
“That’s how I spent the last 20 years; I never found what troubles my peace of mind, except for one night where I was the oppressor.”
I said: This huge array of the esteemed believing women who were mentioned in our glorious and honorable Islamic history shows clearly the prestigious role of the Muslim woman in the prestigious Muslim community.
Let us follow their good footsteps with their manners, courage, and belief. O Sister, be open to the educational opportunities in order to gain depth of thinking and abundance of knowledge. In addition to the internal and external commitment to the Aqeedah and the connection to the belief in Allah (swt) and His Sharia, and while you’re working on this be aware of Allah’s (swt). Watch in a bid to have spiritual and intellectual Taqwa in all of this, so that you are able to face all the challenges in the intellectual struggle in the Dawah aspects and to resolve problems. Utilize all of your energy starting with the good rights that have been decreed by the Islamic Sharia to the woman, away from the tyranny of the Western hateful cultural colonialism. Be what Allah (swt) says:
﴿أُولَٰئِكَ الَّذِينَ هَدَى اللَّهُ فَبِهُدَاهُمُ اقْتَدِهْ قُلْ لَا أَسْأَلُكُمْ عَلَيْهِ أَجْرًا إِنْ هُوَ إِلَّا ذِكْرَىٰ لِلْعَالَمِينَ﴾
“Those are the ones whom Allah has guided, so from their guidance take an example. Say, "I ask of you for this message no payment. It is not but a reminder for the worlds."” [Al-Anaam: 90].
My Honorable Sisters:
This is the marital life in Islam, its foundation is very strong built upon the pleasure of Allah (swt), and through it, happiness is achieved for both spouses in the Dunya and Akhira. It is filled with safety, stability, and repose, so what a magnificent life it is if we commit ourselves with what our noble Islam required from us to do.
O esteemed wives, fear Allah (swt) in your husbands, families, and children by committing yourselves to the Sharia of our Lord (swt), and let’s slap the West so hard it will not forget and let’s raise our voices all together: No to the Western culture which maimed the marital life in Islam. No, and a thousand No’s, to troubling this life with weak Western concepts and a transaction which brings no benefits to its members, so how can we as Muslims take them?! O wives of the Muslim men, lift your heads as you are honored in this Dunya and Akhira. Amongst us is the good wife who achieved happiness in her home, and from it exited heroes and men whether they became husbands or members working to revive Islam and the Muslims.
From here and from this respectable stand, let us renew our oath and bring glad tidings to our honorable Rasuul (saw) that amongst us are those who will properly obey her husband, and amongst us are those who tell their husband: “These are my hands in your hands, I cannot rest until you are pleased with me”. We shall not be pleased with the rotten Western culture which was unjust to the marital life nor to the family. We are revived by Islam and we take our Rasuul (saw) as our role model, and we are the decedents of the Mothers of the believers and noble female companions who knew the real meaning of the marital life and the Muslim family and implemented the rules of Allah (swt) and they made real men.
We address the entire Western world: despite your attempts to distort the martial life in Islam, you shall be disappointed with your plots and you have failed in doing so. Even though you spend a lot of money and spread corrupt and destructive thoughts, you’ll still find the Muslim family standing in your faces and telling you: NO and a thousand NO’s to your plots against this marital life and happy family.
O Dear Sisters: At the end of this speech, I assure you that without Islam as a way of life, which will be fully implemented by the second Khilafah Rashidah (rightly guided Caliphate) upon the method of the Prophethood, we cannot live a happy blissful life, neither as individuals, families, nor as societies. Therefore, let us all work together with Hizb ut Tahrir in order to resume to the Islamic lifestyle, where the Muslim family becomes a tangible reality and an example as clear as the sun…
﴿لَا يَسْتَوِي مِنكُم مَّنْ أَنفَقَ مِن قَبْلِ الْفَتْحِ وَقَاتَلَ أُوْلَئِكَ أَعْظَمُ دَرَجَةً مِّنَ الَّذِينَ أَنفَقُوا مِن بَعْدُ وَقَاتَلُوا﴾
“Not equal among you are those who spent before the conquest [of Makkah] and fought [and those who did so after it]. Those are greater in degree than they who spent afterwards and fought.” [Al-Hadid: 10]
Roula Ibrahim
Member of the Central Media Office of Hizb ut Tahrir